What, What
I'm using the opposites of these feelings at you. The
smallest things are giving all my love its indifference. We pick up of
trash and such, we walk and the dog walks up the alley-way and down the
park and you bend down to see the largest beetle ever. We are sharing
the time and it isn't helping. The idea of crying on Saturday night
makes me angry. I am still in there. You are out and about. You have a
new love of Dickinson. And I, with my old love and my slow love, am
getting very tired. Very tired indeed. I ask a very Peggy Lee question,
very breathy and very tense in my throat, and nothing returns to me. Is
the swept-up quality of loving having always to do with the choices I
have made before, nothing to do with the choice before me. I can not
see a choice. To stay or leave: that is it. While I know a myriad of
things happen, my choices do not reflect what happens. Rather what I
see in my feelings, and I want to destroy my feelings. I turn away from
who I feel becoming in me and you are so intimately associated with who
I feel I am turning into. I have many questions of momentum. Many
questions about the small choices I'm making these days. Like the music
I am crying about, the feelings about reading that are jealous
feelings. My brain is shrinking, I can tell by the way my head is, the
way I can't see complexity anymore. I need that complexity to feel
right. But the things to do get flat, the choices get simple, and there
is no comfort in that. No room for me to lean in and work through. You
think I need a problem to solve, but what I need is a problem that
makes sense. A way to configure my feelings, which arise not out of a
problem but out of nothing at all. Maybe the passing of time creates
these feelings. Maybe feelings step out of my body like a cat. But
these feelings are not a problem yet, they have not been ordered. So
the feelings are empty, thus angry, and the problem is nowhere. Thus I
am desperate and sad, crying on Saturday night and the crying is saying
something to me that is not true. That is lying and lying to me about
the problem. I am losing against it and I am very scared.
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