What, What

I’m using the opposites of these feelings at you. The smallest things are giving all my love its indifference. We pick up of trash and such, we walk and the dog walks up the alley-way and down the park and you bend down to see the largest beetle ever. We are sharing the time and it isn’t helping. The idea of crying on Saturday night makes me angry. I am still in there. You are out and about. You have a new love of Dickinson. And I, with my old love and my slow love, am getting very tired. Very tired indeed. I ask a very Peggy Lee question, very breathy and very tense in my throat, and nothing returns to me. Is the swept-up quality of loving having always to do with the choices I have made before, nothing to do with the choice before me. I can not see a choice. To stay or leave: that is it. While I know a myriad of things happen, my choices do not reflect what happens. Rather what I see in my feelings, and I want to destroy my feelings. I turn away from who I feel becoming in me and you are so intimately associated with who I feel I am turning into. I have many questions of momentum. Many questions about the small choices I’m making these days. Like the music I am crying about, the feelings about reading that are jealous feelings. My brain is shrinking, I can tell by the way my head is, the way I can’t see complexity anymore. I need that complexity to feel right. But the things to do get flat, the choices get simple, and there is no comfort in that. No room for me to lean in and work through. You think I need a problem to solve, but what I need is a problem that makes sense. A way to configure my feelings, which arise not out of a problem but out of nothing at all. Maybe the passing of time creates these feelings. Maybe feelings step out of my body like a cat. But these feelings are not a problem yet, they have not been ordered. So the feelings are empty, thus angry, and the problem is nowhere. Thus I am desperate and sad, crying on Saturday night and the crying is saying something to me that is not true. That is lying and lying to me about the problem. I am losing against it and I am very scared.

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