Camp­ing

10/14/2003

in Milestones

IN THE CAR

We met at 12 but Michael had a hang­over so we met at 12:30 but Dawn didn’t know what to pack so we met at 12:50 but we still had to fig­ure out how to get to Andy’s house to meet at 1:20 but we repacked all the shit in so we left at 1:45 but we still had to pick up some pots at Melissa’s so at 2:00 we talked to Tony, who wasn’t sure if he wanted to go, so we left Tony but took his tent at 2:30 and still hadn’t bought gro­ceries by 2:45 or divided the check by 3:00 or got­ten gas by 3:20 so every­one had their cig­a­rettes, water bot­tles, bags of chips and we squished in the car by 3:45.

Dawn: Roll your win­dow up. That sound is fuck­ing annoy­ing… No. Not all the way up. Half way up… A lit­tle far­ther down…
Michael: Don’t tell me what to do.

(50 miles later)

Michael: Did you bring a knife?
Andy: Yeah. We have to chop pep­pers for din­ner.
Dawn: What do you need a knife for?
Michael: Killing.

THE MOUTAIN

Dawn: What’s that green shit grow­ing on the side of the moun­tain?
Andy: Lichen.
Dawn: Fuck­ing lichen.
Melissa: I came camp­ing to hear Dawn say “fuck­ing lichen.”
*
Dawn: (pitch­ing the tent) Where does this go?
Melissa: I don’t know. Let’s just stick it here.
*
Dawn: Fuck you, tree.(throwing a rock at it)

CAMPFIRE

Andy: I’ve seen my sperm under a micro­scope.
*
Dawn: I can’t see a pep­per with­out think­ing about ovaries.
*
Michael: I tried to have sex with a girl when I was 6. Her par­ents never let her play with me again.
Dawn: That’s really fucked up.
Michael: Have I told you my heroin story?
*
Melissa: Once, I believed in God for an entire week­end.
*
Andy: (with a big stick) I’m going to make a spear.

UNDER THE STARS

Michael: Fuck you uni­verse.
*
Melissa: I want to go up there and cook an omelet on the stain­less steal mete­orite.
*
Andy: I think a poet should go into space.
Michael: Yeah, then we could take shits all over the controls.

IN THE TENT

Dawn: Aren’t you afraid of some­one killing you in the tent?
Michael: There are no mur­der­ers in the moun­tains.
Dawn: Yes there are. Mur­der­ers love the moun­tains.
Michael: Wouldn’t mur­der­ers want to live in a city so they could kill peo­ple?
Dawn: Not the really crazy ones.
*
Dawn: What about the bears?
Michael: The bears aren’t big enough to kill you.
Dawn: What about rat­tlesnakes?
Michael: They can’t get you in the tent.
Dawn: What about mur­der­ers dressed up like bears?
Michael: Yes. There are mur­der­ers dressed up like bears wear­ing rat­tlesnake roller skates.
*
Dawn: What this tent needs is a cou­ple of locks.
Michael: We have locks of love.
Dawn: Tomor­row, I’m going to make fun of you for say­ing that.
*
Dawn: I don’t buy that whole Adam-and-Eve-original-sin stuff. That shit just doesn’t make sense. I mean, God basi­cally said, “Here’s a dag­ger. Don’t stab your­self.” And you’re telling me that that two happy peo­ple liv­ing in eter­nal bliss were like “hmm I won­der what it feels like to stab myself?“
*
Michael: What’s really fucked up is Job. So Job’s got a wife and kids and a bunch of sheep; and the Devil chal­lenges God by say­ing “Why don’t you take all that shit away from Job and see if he still believes in you?” And you’re telling me that a benev­o­lent god looked the devil straight in the face and said, “You’re on, Devil. I’ll even raise you by mak­ing the poor fucker a leper.”
*
(A bag is knocked to the ground out­side)
Dawn: What the fuck was that?
(Growl­ing from the out­side of the tent)
*
Dawn: Dying sucks.
Michael: Yeah. But it’ll be nice to know that I’ve finally fin­ished something.

DINER ON THE WAY HOME

Dawn: Most mur­der­ers in the moun­tain use axes.
Andy: There are no mur­der­ers in the moun­tains.
Dawn: Yes there are.
Andy: There are mur­der­ers that use fin­ger­nail clip­pers.
Melissa: One time a mur­derer came into my house and shoved fin­ger­nail clip­pers up my ass. I was like “get out of my house.”
Dawn: Some­times they beat you with fin­ger­nail clip­pers.
Andy: That would take a long time.
Dawn: Our waiter is a mur­derer.
Andy: He uses straws. (Breaks Michael’s straw try­ing to stran­gle him­self)
Michael: They also suck out the flesh.
Dawn: We’ll be lucky to get out of here alive.

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