IN THE CAR
We met at 12 but Michael had a hangover so we met at 12:30 but Dawn didn’t know what to pack so we met at 12:50 but we still had to figure out how to get to Andy’s house to meet at 1:20 but we repacked all the shit in so we left at 1:45 but we still had to pick up some pots at Melissa’s so at 2:00 we talked to Tony, who wasn’t sure if he wanted to go, so we left Tony but took his tent at 2:30 and still hadn’t bought groceries by 2:45 or divided the check by 3:00 or gotten gas by 3:20 so everyone had their cigarettes, water bottles, bags of chips and we squished in the car by 3:45.
Dawn: Roll your window up. That sound is fucking annoying… No. Not all the way up. Half way up… A little farther down…
Michael: Don’t tell me what to do.
(50 miles later)
Michael: Did you bring a knife?
Andy: Yeah. We have to chop peppers for dinner.
Dawn: What do you need a knife for?
Dawn: What’s that green shit growing on the side of the mountain?
Dawn: Fucking lichen.
Melissa: I came camping to hear Dawn say “fucking lichen.”
Dawn: (pitching the tent) Where does this go?
Melissa: I don’t know. Let’s just stick it here.
Dawn: Fuck you, tree.(throwing a rock at it)
Andy: I’ve seen my sperm under a microscope.
Dawn: I can’t see a pepper without thinking about ovaries.
Michael: I tried to have sex with a girl when I was 6. Her parents never let her play with me again.
Dawn: That’s really fucked up.
Michael: Have I told you my heroin story?
Melissa: Once, I believed in God for an entire weekend.
Andy: (with a big stick) I’m going to make a spear.
UNDER THE STARS
Michael: Fuck you universe.
Melissa: I want to go up there and cook an omelet on the stainless steal meteorite.
Andy: I think a poet should go into space.
Michael: Yeah, then we could take shits all over the controls.
IN THE TENT
Dawn: Aren’t you afraid of someone killing you in the tent?
Michael: There are no murderers in the mountains.
Dawn: Yes there are. Murderers love the mountains.
Michael: Wouldn’t murderers want to live in a city so they could kill people?
Dawn: Not the really crazy ones.
Dawn: What about the bears?
Michael: The bears aren’t big enough to kill you.
Dawn: What about rattlesnakes?
Michael: They can’t get you in the tent.
Dawn: What about murderers dressed up like bears?
Michael: Yes. There are murderers dressed up like bears wearing rattlesnake roller skates.
Dawn: What this tent needs is a couple of locks.
Michael: We have locks of love.
Dawn: Tomorrow, I’m going to make fun of you for saying that.
Dawn: I don’t buy that whole Adam-and-Eve-original-sin stuff. That shit just doesn’t make sense. I mean, God basically said, “Here’s a dagger. Don’t stab yourself.” And you’re telling me that that two happy people living in eternal bliss were like “hmm I wonder what it feels like to stab myself?”
Michael: What’s really fucked up is Job. So Job’s got a wife and kids and a bunch of sheep; and the Devil challenges God by saying “Why don’t you take all that shit away from Job and see if he still believes in you?” And you’re telling me that a benevolent god looked the devil straight in the face and said, “You’re on, Devil. I’ll even raise you by making the poor fucker a leper.”
(A bag is knocked to the ground outside)
Dawn: What the fuck was that?
(Growling from the outside of the tent)
Dawn: Dying sucks.
Michael: Yeah. But it’ll be nice to know that I’ve finally finished something.
DINER ON THE WAY HOME
Dawn: Most murderers in the mountain use axes.
Andy: There are no murderers in the mountains.
Dawn: Yes there are.
Andy: There are murderers that use fingernail clippers.
Melissa: One time a murderer came into my house and shoved fingernail clippers up my ass. I was like “get out of my house.”
Dawn: Sometimes they beat you with fingernail clippers.
Andy: That would take a long time.
Dawn: Our waiter is a murderer.
Andy: He uses straws. (Breaks Michael’s straw trying to strangle himself)
Michael: They also suck out the flesh.
Dawn: We’ll be lucky to get out of here alive.